Are You Giving To Get?

Giving, Gaining, and Getting Nowhere

last week on a call, a friend of mine called me out for “giving” to “get”.

it was a hard thing to hear on the other side of the phone.

mostly because I hate that energy, it’s the worst. we’ve all seen it play out in the bedroom.

oral sex can be the purest form of giving to get—a devotion that almost always comes with an unspoken receipt.

and I’ve always thought of myself as a very gracious person. I love my friends dearly - like family - and I had been reaching out to this friend multiple times to try and be there for them or to hang out. never in my wildest dreams did I consider my energy would be felt as me giving to get something in return.

I immediately thought of my birthday movie - Pretty Woman.

your birthday movie is the film that came out in the box office the week you were born. Pretty Woman premiered in theaters on March 23rd, 1990 and I was born literally that night/the next day on March 24th, 1990 at 12:12am.

Julia Roberts’ character Vivian has a transactional relationship with Richard Gere’s Edward. she is in a role where giving (her time, company, affection) is directly tied to getting (money), and there’s a clear exchange happening. but later, as her emotional connection grows with Edward, the idea of "giving to get" takes on new layers and gets way more complicated. I found myself there. in the confusing complicated part of the movie.

like wait…of course I want to give to my friends, but yeah…I expect some energy in return? aren’t all great relationships in life - especially platonic ones - based on sacred reciprocity?

how could my giving feel like it was really just for me to get something in return?

but when someone I know and respect calls me out on something, I sit and reflect on it to see if and where it could be true. because even if it doesn’t feel true to me in my reality, it’s true in theirs. and I believe everything that happens to us in life that’s triggering, is there to show us what we need to change.

one of my favorite concepts I’ve learned studying kabbalah with David Ghiyam, is about the exchange of energy. during an interaction with anyone, you’re either doing one of two things: giving or taking (energy).

in a lot subtle ways we may be feeling like we’re giving, but we’re actually making another person or room we’re in feel drained with our presence or behavior.

one example I learned that really made the concept sink in for me was this: let’s say you’re really into someone and you text them “i miss you”. and then they don’t respond. and you’re pissed. were you actually giving that person a nice sentiment while not needing anything in return? or did you send it because you wanted or needed a response to make you feel validated or better about yourself - aka taking energy.

it’s very nuanced, but sometimes - especially if you identify as a people pleaser (this is the hardest thing to decondition from and I work on it everyday), you can go above and beyond and do things for people when actually a lot of the intention and energy behind it is self-serving. also, if you give to someone who can’t receive, that’s taking.

I talked to my jedi / coach rachael about this concept of “giving to get.” I also updated her on everything that went down in my life that made me really angry last week - which I outlined in my last substack: A Ferrari In Neutral.

in my conversation with her I had a massive breakthrough:

i’ve been agonizing for 4 months over my gut and stomach health. you can read more about it here, but basically I’ve done and tried almost everything to get my bloating to go away - 2 rounds of antibiotics, low-fodmap home cooked meals, 19 supplements a day, gut-brain hypnotherapy, workouts, walks, you name it. my protocol took up so much time it was insufferable. all I wanted was to see my hard earned abs underneath all that bloat. and every time i’d get ready, i’d get angry at my body for not looking the way I think it should. I recently took another breath test to see if my sibo (imo) - which is causing my bloating - had been eradicated and the test came back showing very little improvement and I broke down. why wasn’t my stomach health improving? I’ve been doing everything right!

I told rachael about my conversation with my friend. she reminded me how everything is connected. and pointed to an area in my life where I may have been “giving” to “get”: my tummy.

this whole time the energy behind all the work i’ve put in, was to feel thin, or not bloated. never did it occur to me that my intention should have been to love my body, and just want it to be healthy. I was giving my tummy allllll of this shit to get my abs back in return. I could care less about anything else. it had been me vs. my tummy in a very transactional relationship the whole time.

mind blown.

“I couldn’t help but wonder—what if all my giving was really just a silent transaction?” was my heart a bank account, and was I just hoping for a bigger return?”

I decided I would just love and give to my body - needing nothing in return. that if I was bloated for the next couple years, that that would be ok, I didn’t need anything from it. I just want to work with it as a team and make sure it’s healthy for the sake of being healthy and loving myself.

and ever since I let myself express anger last week, and had that call with my coach, I reframed my intention and the energy behind my stomach wellness protocol and my tummy’s actually felt and looked so much better.

i’m so thankful I had that call with my friend and that they had the vulnerability to call me out.

in what areas of your life do you feel like you’re giving but you’re actually taking?

and are we all just really giving to get?