CH.6: A COMPLETE UNKNOWN: WHAT HAPPENED TO ME IN HOLLYWOOD—AND WHY YOU HAVEN’T SEEN ME

a complete unknown (to myself) and dancing in the darkness

CHAPTER 6: DANCING IN THE DARKNESS

Photo by Bankim Desai on Unsplash

here’s the thing - I am a highly spiritual person and i’ve done a shit ton of inner work. I’ve been de-conditioning for 6 years now. I used to get triggered when people would call me “woo-woo” or “granola” or an “la girl” that likes astrology + tarot and all the things, but the truth is that I am v spiritual. and so are you dumbass is my internal dialogue when someone calls me “woo woo”. because you, like me, are a spirit in a human body. your name doesn’t have to be sunmoon rainbow or own crystals in order to be spiritual. that’s not what spirituality even means. we all have the power to be, do, or have anything we want. and if you’re reading this, and you’re like but I don’t have what I want, I can tell you with high conviction it’s because you don’t believe you can have it deep down. there’s a limiting belief or energetic block or fears and doubts keeping you from getting it. we live in a matrix where our own thoughts become our reality and I know that. I am a student of Esalen where my awakening journey began in 2019, I meditate daily and am an ambassador for Open’s mindfulness meditation app, I have the same energy healer as Gwyneth Paltrow (Oliver Niño), my jedi (coach) Rachael is versed in astrology, the gene keys and human design, I myself have studied human design - i’m a 6/2 Generator which means I have to do things that light me up and follow my gut response. i’ve studied Kabbalah 1, 2, and 3 (which is not a religion - i’m not a religious person). I listen to Abraham Hicks every morning. i’ve studied the Enneagram under Dr. Edgerton. I went on an invite-only retreat where I worked with 30 wild horses (mustangs) in Utah to work through my anxiety. I did psychotherapy for 5 years with doctor mike dow, I’ve done 2 years of EMDR therapy to rid of my anxiety with an EMDR specialist. I’ve done coaching sessions with mind architect Peter Crone. I’ve had coffee with Gay Hendricks. I work with productivity coach Sophie Chiche, I’ve read Dr. Joe Dispenza’s books and done his meditations. I read Byron Katie’s book, along with the Bhagavad Gita, the Celestine Prophecy and Conversations with God. I’m the fucking girl trying to connect with Will Smith’s soul at a Bad Boys 4 junket lmao (hey, it worked remember?). and yet with all that study + training, the human mind forgets everything - on purpose - so that we can remember, our own power. if this paragraph doesn’t resonate with you, you can ignore it. maybe it’ll click one day.

I decided in December that I would enter a hermitage and remember who I am and get my power back. I deleted social media, I spent Christmas and New Years alone, I wrote thank you letters to everyone at my previous employer (I didn’t send them). I wrote letters to my parents thanking them for not having any money to give me growing up (didn’t send those either). and I basically got out of victim mode. I remembered that I had manifested that job and those people. that everything that unfolded was my doing. your outer world is just a reflection of your internal experience. it was just my time to go and that was the circumstance I manifested so that I could leave. there was no one to blame, not even myself, because deep down my soul wanted this outcome. and today, I am so grateful for that experience and wouldn’t change a thing. I came back to myself and realized last year wasn’t a train wreck, my train was just switching tracks. I had to let old Naz go. I had achieved everything I wanted to on that rail route: Ellen, The Bachelor, the LA Dodgers, Live from E!, The Today Show, exclusive interviews for the digital media company, my own podcast I still co-host I Don’t Get It, and this incredible beautiful healing support group I founded called Heart Broken Anonymous.

in my “victim” consciousness it feels and looks like i’m dying.

but then I remembered: what the caterpillar calls the end, the master calls a butterfly.

and on the first day of my hermitage, when I shut everything off and came back into alignment with the power of me, I went on a nature walk, and ran into Colin Farrell.

I couldn’t help but wonder…was Colin Farrell just God in drag?

AFTERWORD: A COMPLETE UNKNOWN (TO MYSELF)

even though my mindset has shifted, i’m still in this liminal space and people don’t talk about how uncomfortable a liminal space can be. it’s like i’m pregnant with the new me but the new me isn’t here yet. my friend jason goldberg who always has the best metaphors says that “liminal space is such an interesting layover. it’s like you have no clue when the cancelled flight will be taking off and at the same time you know that no one has ever permanently moved into an airport, so it WILL take off at some point.”

because of this in-between i’m in, i’ve taken more time off social media because what’s still not fully clear to me is how I want to show up in this world now. posting my interviews felt like a great way to be a part of social media and connect with all of u - my beloved homies and audience - it felt like I got to share what made me come alive most. the moments where I felt most me. if I was motivated by fame or money, I would’ve started to immediately crank out videos and gone full on influencer - but i’m not, i’m motivated by authenticity. I rather be broke and authentic than be huge for not being myself. i’ve always struggled with the hamster wheel that is social media because I identify with being an artist and a creative - not a robot - so idk if I ever see myself pumping out videos everyday as it relates to my art. I don’t want to be a slave to the algorithm. it also just became hard for me to show up on socials because I thrive on authenticity and none of you knew how I was actually feeling or what I was living through, and I wasn’t ready to share it because I was processing. the more I posted, the more people thought I was ‘killing’ it and the more and more distant I felt from my truth.

I used to share so much of my personal life on socials and when I deleted instagram I realized I mainly took photos just to tell other people where I am for external validation. I take way less photos now that i’m not on it. i’m so happy I came to this awareness. another area of life I took my power back.

that’s the thing with stillness, you’re able to really see and own all your shit. if you ever take the time to stop, whether you’re forced to by the universe or by your own accord, you’ll realize when you have so much information/stimulation coming in, no creativity or awareness can come out. the real you gets lost in the sauce.

going inward is stepping into the darkness and reclaiming your own power, while no circumstances have changed, is how you dance in the darkness.

of course a part of me that hasn’t died and is still very much alive is my love for film, storytelling and of course interviewing. I plan on sharing my tv + movie musings (reviews) with you here on substack. by subscribing to my substack, you’re supporting me in getting to still do all the work I love and was doing, but on my own. I hope to get back to interviewing very soon and am currently working towards my own interview show, so any subscription on here will also help me work towards that. I get excited when I think about what shape this all will take for me. I fully trust the train i’m on now. in between movie reviews and other thought-provoking posts from my day to day, I plan to post another chapter’ed out story (like this one) next month so look forward to that. these will be crazy stories from my dating life, hollywood, and spiritual journeys and travels, i’ve never shared before. let me know if you enjoyed the format of this one in comments por favor. I want anything I share to be highly-entertaining and extremely useful to you. we’re friends now ;).

I often feel like god/the universe/ source/ the creator/ this higher force - whatever u call it at ur house - talks to me through motion pictures. during my hermitage, I watched A Complete Unknown. the film is directed by James Mangold and stars Timothee Chalamet as a young Bob Dylan. it follows Robert Allen Zimmerman as he goes from being a complete unknown to making folk mainstream and becoming a legend. the film ends with him performing at the Newport Folk Festival in 1965 and getting booed because he changed his sound and played an electric set and the crowd and festival organizers wanted him to stick to folk and acoustic. Bob going electric felt like a betrayal to them. and even though getting booed was uncomfortable - he stuck to his instincts. one of the songs he played was Like a Rolling Stone and that moment is now regarded as one of the most pivotal in music history, it marked bob’s evolution as an artist and the blending of folk and rock. I couldn’t stop reading the lyrics to Like A Rolling Stone:

How does it feel, how does it feel?
To be without a home
Like a complete unknown, like a rolling stone

although everything i’m doing feels counterintuitive to the main stream - i’m following my gut everyday like Bob did. i’ve been stripped of everything my ego grasped onto that defined the old Naz.

and now,

I feel as though I am without a home.

a complete unknown (to myself).

like a rolling stone.

but to answer bob’s question: “how does it feel?”

free.

did you miss chapter 5? read it here. or listen to it here.

if you missed chapters 1-5, here’s a link to chapter one.

let me know what you thought about the format of this story, and just your thoughts in general. love ya.